wrestling-with-feminism

Wrestling My Identity Away from Feminism

by Think Twice

In my early twenties, I had friends and acquaintances who were what I called recreational feminists.  In other words, they talked the talk of feminism but never really let it get in the way of finding a decent man to marry and having children.  I, on the other hand, was a true feminist; defiant and independent, unwilling to succumb to the feminine weakness of depending on a man for anything, much less marriage.  I was determined that I did not need anybody.  As a result of my “true” feminism, I was alone for many, many years.

As the years past, I built a successful business with two female partners.  I attended their weddings and was there for the birth of my partner’s first child.  I remained alone. 

As my loneliness increased, I started to awaken to my broken heart.  “Is this really how you want to live?”  Do you really want to be alone for the rest of your life?” Over the months, one thing led to another until I made the big leap:  I declared to myself my desire to be married!  Years of pent-up desire were unleashed. I was on a mission! I was determined to overcome any idea, habit or situation that was keeping me single.  I ditched the man repellent (feminism), worked on cultivating a more feminine demeanor, and signed up for a dating service.

Dating in the big, narcissistic swell of Washington, DC offered greater revelations.  I did not like the type of men that were available.  The men seemed to be full of their own self-importance.  I did not want to be an add-on to a man’s life; I wanted a virtuous, regular guy who was trustworthy, responsible and who I could count on to be faithful. 

Why could I not attract such a man? What were these fine male creatures looking for in a woman?  It was my goal to find out.

Although I was attractive, I had cultivated many masculine traits in running my business. I was aggressive, loud, overly boisterous, pushy, opinionated…I could go on.  I looked and acted as if I did not need anyone.  Obviously, this honey was not attracting any bees.  So, I got even more radical.

I sold my business to my remaining partner (my other partner left to raise her children) and relocated to a new state to live with my younger sister and her husband.  I did not make this move full of optimism and heroic decisiveness.  Instead, I left DC exhausted, empty, and broken.  Would I find someone in the great masculine state of Texas for which I now resided?

My sister and her husband were determined to find me a good man to marry.  Both were avid runners, so they conducted some private investigations among the running community in hopes of finding me someone suitable.  They quickly identified a fellow athlete who was well-liked and respected by fellow runners who knew him well.  He was a single, never-married man, and at age 40, very interested in finding his mate.

Within a year I was married to a kind, decent, stable man.  Though we have had wonderful times and some terrible times, I am so glad to have him. 

I confidently declare that I despise feminism. In fact, I would describe myself as an anti-feminist. The world is wrong in telling women that having a career is more rewarding than marriage and children. It’s not. What is a career anyway?  It’s merely a job with many stresses and the usual jerks commanding you to offer up your last drop of energy to further their advancement.

My choice to embrace feminism almost cost me the joys of marital companionship. Sadly, I was not spared the consequence of being too old to have children.  The feminist cultural mythmakers have convinced many women to postpone marriage and to put off having children in order to establish a career (code word for “It’s just a job!”).  This is a tragic lie.  I did not know that doctors consider women who conceive at the age of 35 to be high-risk geriatric pregnancies!  Lies have painful consequences

My prolonged singleness gave me a sense of overwhelming gratefulness for the gift of marriage and its many blessings.  Even when our marriage reached a crisis point a few years ago, it was the memory of the despair of singleness which allowed me to plough through our issues and make our relationship work.  Now, our relationship is not just working; it’s flourishing.  I am so relieved that we both chose not to abandon our commitment to one another.

So, in a way, my awful decision of embracing feminism and all its destruction to my personal life helped to preserve our marriage.

At first, it was very difficult for me to be hidden from the world, so to speak, without the daily sense of achievement and usefulness I got from working outside the home.  It took me years to go from much doing to the comfort of just “being.”  I felt very lost but persevered, forging a path through the fallacies of the feminist ideas I had once embraced.  I wrestled my identity from the shackles of worldly accomplishments until I was finally free to embrace a deep desire to love and be loved in the commitment of marriage. 

Year after year, I recommit to becoming more feminine in how I speak, in how I dress and in how I run the home.  For the first years of our marriage, I had to make personal declarations not to control my husband.  I had controlled my life for so long, that it was difficult to trust, let go and let my husband be the person for whom I fell in love.  Also, I realized that the small things are important such as maintaining a clean home, cooking nice dinners for us to enjoy, and doing all the traditional chores of a wife.  In the past, I would have been horrified to be such a “girl.”  Now, I confidently live what I believe – that women were created to serve in very special ways– and this fulfills my deepest heartfelt desires this side of eternity.

On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the best, this is how I would rate my marriage. We’ve had some 8’s in the early years, hit a rough patch of some one’s and two’s, and are now at a well-earned 10.

After many years in the workplace, I am well acquainted with the drudgeries, worries and the triumphs of having a career to support myself.  I understand that money and financial security are hard to come by.  I have compassion when my husband comes home silent and frustrated and choose not to take it personally.

My mother who never worked a day in her life did not know the daily sacrifices my father made to provide for us.  I do not take for granted that my husband works hard for the things he provides.  I do my best not to engage in excessive and wasteful spending that would add to my husband’s stress because I greatly appreciate the sacrifices he is making for me. 

In my quest for marriage, I purposely sought out other marriage-minded single women who were career successful but were as lonely and lost as I was.  We became marriage-affirming friends who stood together in hope and heartbreak against all odds of finding a mate in a world awash in feminist dogma.

On the other hand, acquaintances were curious and amused.  They were confused that my business, big money career was hardly enough to make satisfy me. They mused, “How could this be?  How could you not be happy?”  Even though they were married with children, they could not understand how I could not love the option I had been given. I seemed in their eyes to be the glamour-girl in comparison to their diaper-changing lives.  Their attitude upset me.  It seemed as if the feminist culture zombies had bitten them too. 

The feminist zeitgeist is so imbedded in the culture, that many women don’t know why they think the way they do.  In fact, many women who would not call them themselves feminists don’t even realize how much they have embraced feminist ideas. 

As the result of the devastating effects of feminism on the culture, marriage is becoming a rare phenomenon and happy marriages even more so.   Many women live in fear that marriage and children, so common to centuries of previous generations, are no longer guaranteed, and that a lonely, childless life may be their more common destiny. 

The options feminists promised – career, marriage and having it all—never materialized.  Instead, women who postponed marriage and the begetting of children are facing devastating consequences that they may never find a suitable mate in a pool of candidates that seems to shrink with each passing year.  By the time they find a good man, will they be too old to bear children?  Their most heartfelt option for marriage and family seems to elude them year after year.  

Feminism has had its toxic effects on marriage as well. Feminism encourages self-righteousness and a belief that women are entitled to be demanding and rule over their men.  I am shocked and dismayed at the lack of respect wives exhibit for the needs of their husbands. Due to effective enculturation, many men succumb to the notion that being a good husband entails giving in to the demands of their wives, allowing the wives to despise their husbands even more for their weakness.  The result is constant discord and lack of fulfillment in marriage.

I do not worry about those who disagree with my position.  The realities of feminism speak for themselves and are the fuel for a healthy backlash, pioneered by women who have been set free to pursue marriage and family confidently and wholeheartedly.  As for me, there is nothing like almost ruining your own life to fight passionately with men and women who are embracing the new anti-feminism!

In order to embrace my life as a homemaker, I had to make an intentional commitment to first embrace its value.  This was difficult for me.  Once I was able to purge myself of the feminist notion that homemaking is inferior, I started to enjoy the simplicity of my life and set out to create and orderly and cheerful home.

Occasionally, when I am tempted to compare myself to others, I experience restlessness and am drawn into a sense of purposelessness.  I let these feelings motivate me to go deeper into the greater purpose of living and try to grasp the value of being what I am without any false supports to distract me.  Since I no longer get my value from my work, I had to do a deep dive into cultivating an interior life.

There has never been a better time to address the fallacies of feminism.   After 40 plus years of feminist indoctrination, women have reaped its fruits –success in the workplace and no husband or children with whom to share their lives.  Men feel they are not needed and “opt-out” of pursuing marriage, and women carry the loss of love in their hearts.  Broken people have attentive ears.  Now is the time to be bold and to proclaim that women embrace the desires of their feminine hearts.  I hope that they will be encouraged to reorder their lives by make marriage and family their first priority.

Think Twice is a former consulting business owner in Washington D.C. She left that business after 20 years to pursue a more fulfilling personal life.

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